Cross Canada Run

The reality for me now is trying to find a job in BC while planning my upcoming run to northern Canada (Yukon, Northwest Territories & Nunavut) in spring 2010. A few days ago I dropped off my resume at a pharmaceutical retail store and another one at a delicatessen created by a former Colonel. Now a few of you may think “What?? You are applying for jobs at a drug store and fast food place?” Well, yes. My job of choice is of course in the mental health industry and I have already spread the words to people I know but there does not appear to be too many temporary openings at the moment. The other natural choice for me is to return to what I was doing before I started the run, which was technical support (as I have clarified to a few people, it’s not IT). I would love to go back to working with my former colleagues but that is not even an option right now as they are located in Toronto and it’s not a field that naturally attracts me. The reality is that it could take some time before I can find the job of my choice and in the mean time I need a source of income.

I am currently staying with a family friend, Uncle Ming, and his family in Vancouver. During a conversation, they mentioned that I might want to check with the grocery store across the street for some part time opportunities. Now, Uncle Ming and his family have been treating me really well since I arrived in Vancouver over a month ago and I respect their suggestions, but I almost dismissed the idea of working in a grocery store instantly. I didn’t spend years in university and ran all the way across the country to stack groceries! But then I asked myself “since when am I too good to do some honest work??” It’s a fact that I need a source of income so why don’t I just get off of my high horses and roll up my sleeves. I think I need to thank my mom for installing that mentality in me.

I have been keeping myself reasonably active since the end of my run. My days have been pretty leisure and I just hang out with friends on some days but there actually are a lot of work to be done to prepare for the next run to northern Canada. I have been working with a group of students from Simon Fraser University in Vancouver. I am also contacting organizations for grants and I have been networking with various people to organize the run.

I have also started the process to sell my recreational vehicle as I wouldn’t need it in the next 10 months. The bad news is that I am having troubles selling the vehicle because after a year-long journey it’s not in the best shape. While I was at the RV dealership, at one point I was standing outside in a light rain staring at my RV, aka my “buddy”.  All the stories and memories from the journey just rushed through my head. The people who shared parts of the journey with me in that vehicle; the winter days we spent together where there were just the RV and I; the fun times and the not so fun times, all part of a memorable journey. However, as much as I don’t want to let go, I have to let it go in order to stop the daily expenses of keeping it around. The question now is how can I sell it?    

The reality is that I’m currently feeling the stress from the problems of getting a job and selling my RV. I just got off the phone with my family who could hear my anxiety over the phone and as usual they wanted to help. I feel bad about making my family worry but I don’t want to lie to them about how I feel either. Despite all the stress and worries that are going through my head right now, I believe there’s a purpose to whatever difficulties I am currently experiencing and that I will learn my lessons and become a better person. I am actually getting a little depressed right now. I am a little overwhelmed with all the problems that I need to deal with. At times I questioned myself about what I did and what I plan to do:

“was running across the country really value-added?”

“if so, then why am I struggling with the current problems and feel so alone at times?”

“was it worth it?”

“should I still continue to the north?”

I just got a note from a good friend who didn’t know what I am currently going thru and was just checking how I am doing. It was a simple note but it felt extra sweet at this time and it almost brought my tears out. I think one of the purposes that my current depressive mood is serving is that it reminds me how lonely one feels when affected by anxiety, depression and mental illness in general. It can make us feel so weak that even the little problems seem so daunting and even the smallest positive gestures can lift us up. That’s why support is so important to people affected by mental illness. I don’t like being in this depressed mood but my family and my friend have made me feel warmer inside. As I am typing this sentence I can feel that the anxious sensation in my stomach is being turned into positive energy. I still need to resolve my problems but the pessimism is slowly switching over to optimism. Negative thoughts are being replaced with positive ones. Perhaps that’s the miracle of love. Love for ourselves and for others.